happy fathers’ day

during the past few days, there has been a swelling in me that just wants to explode. it doesn’t involve my father, or my father-in-law. it involves me.

a revelation that tuesday evening has made waking up every morning feel as if something has always been missing. i share this with my wife, i know that. but i feel something else for myself. i can’t put it into words, and perhaps i never will. all i know is that i feel something else apart from the shared emotions my wife and i have over the matter. maybe it’s because fathers’ day was just around the corner. maybe, for once, i just want to be selfish about it.

so i let it gnaw at me, devouring my feelings, and growing larger by the minute. every time it feasts inside me, i wanted to cry. but i can’t, thanks to the rituals of everyday urban life. when i do find the time to cry at night, i grab my xbox controller and play, racing across atlanta until dawn (virtual and actual). pathetic excuse to not cry. but i know i can’t avoid the inevitable. i guess i just wanted to have one good, fucking cry, and then move along.

alone in our loft on this fathers’ day mid-afternoon, i finally explode. while the rest of the household busy themselves with their own concerns, i cry.

secretly. uncontrollably. regretfully.

silently.

no tears. no sound. no nothing.

happy fathers’ day to me.